Monday, January 25, 2010

day 356-365

Originally uploaded by Olivia Williams Photography
I have been spending a lot of time thinking. Thinking about everything and anything. Some things I shouldn't think about some I should think more about. It was recently 4 years since my father passed away from a double brain aneurysm. It still feels like yesterday. I remember the call I got from my mother. With tears in her words she said "Olivia, I think your father is having a stroke, the ambulance is here and they are taking him to the hospital". Trying to calm my Mom down I remind her that lots of people have strokes and they turn out alright in the end. Well it wasn't a stroke and he was pronounced brain dead a few short hours later. I remember everything but it is all foggy. I remember feeling numb the next morning, walking around trying to put on a happy face for my kids who had no clue what happened. I didn't want to tell them until later that day. I wanted my oldest to go off to school thinking everything was normal. It was hard to think of my Dad being weak or sick. He was always such a strong man. I couldn't go in the hospital room to see him. I feel bad about that, but I didn't want my memory of my father to be of him in the hospital bed, dead, just hooked up to things to keep him alive so that his organs could go on to someone else. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I wanted to walk in there and say good bye, but couldn't. That is all I thought about the next day, how I couldn't say good bye. I continued my day for my kids as normal as I could. I took my middle child off to a play date and the strangest thing happened on the way. He was looking out the window and said "good bye grandpa" he was only 2, he had no clue what was going on. I cried all the way to the play date. One of my best friends was waiting for me. We sat and talked while our two little two year olds played for a little bit. I still couldn't think right. I should of stayed home but needed the normal things in life. I sit now and think, he would of wanted it that way. He would of said "life goes on" or "it's just another day". I miss him.